My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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