I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I could fuck to npr.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
