i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Randomize
