She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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