Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
