fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
