god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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