I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
