You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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