My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
