If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
