yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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