I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
