in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
