Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize