Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
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