I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
