I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
