But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
