Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
