"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
