we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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