9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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