I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
