just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
