Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
