if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
