I just pynch a tree in the face
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
