Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
