Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
