you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
