I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
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