after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
