the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize