just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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