there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize