walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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