what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
this beer tastes like vomit already
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
