all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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