am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
My breath smells like gin and sadness
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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