There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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