Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
