i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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