Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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