Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
