well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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