I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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