He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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