Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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