true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
