Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
