my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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