the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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