I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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