I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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