Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
