I like to think it a success when the cops are called
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
