she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
