So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
