New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
