someone owes me an orgasm
i just sent this text using only my big toe
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
