his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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