She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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