Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
