Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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