If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
